"Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding"
- Khalil Gibran
Finally after working out the core of my own self-sabotage -
I am going to permanently create change today.....
Throughout my life I have willingly with love and nurture looked after everyone external to me. I've bought into this world and raised 4 sons who have grown, making me proud (most of the time). Most nights I've prepared home cooked meals and placed on the table for my family and friends to enjoy. I've kept a pretty clean and organised home. I have been there if my children or husband needs me. As mother I am at the core of my family unit. I have always tried to be the best possible wife to my husband and mother to my children.
At mid-life something has stirred within. This has been due to any unfinished, incomplete knowing and questioning of self.
Who am I?
I all of a sudden don’t want to do everything for everyone around me. Particularly if they are capable of doing for themselves. I guess this became that intense back in 2013 that I stepped out of my life to discover who I really was. This became the start of my pivotal wake up.
I was able to unlearn a lot of my life taught. I was able to change so much about who I had become. I finally could look myself in the mirror and recognise my own reflection.
Now two and a half years later I'm faced with a new pivotal shake up and breaking point.
At my mid-life space I have bought to the surface all things that have not been fully dealt with throughout my life.
My inner world amplified once more.
There is a battle going on within that has manifested itself in my physical body.
I can no longer ignore its cry.
About a month ago I found a doctor who is my age, female and thorough with investigation. Many blood tests, ultrasounds, x-rays etc. These tests continue with a colonoscopy and gastro investigation in a couple of weeks. So far tests have been done due to my achy inflamed joints, my shut down digestive system and rapid weight gain that places extra strain on my internal organs like my liver that is fatty and inflamed.
Over the past month I have also met with my mentor in hypnotherapy and NLP (neuro linguistic programming). I know what to do at a deep core level, I just can't take myself there. He is helping with this. It's time to go within to change my inner self sabotage.
I have realised this is due to being raised by a sexually, physically and emotionally abusive father. I have learn how to become a predator. This knowledge has shaken me up and horrified me. I have never harmed another person other than not being able to be emotionally present at times.
I have become my own predator!!!
I have abused inwardly instead. My horror is that I have been just as cunning, destructive and evil.
This is the part of myself that needs to be removed today.
My self-sabotage needs to be removed for good.
Interesting that all the medical tests show so far that I have an autoimmune disease (this is where my own body is attacking itself). This shows up as rheumatoid arthritis and fatty liver, malabsorption and digestive issues.
I wonder what will happen to my health when at a deep core level I go within to remove my own worst enemy – ‘me’ - my own predator.
I am going to share part of my journey with you here. I want to speak the language of my soul as my own outlet for self-discovery and also give voice to my inner world. I am committed to always learning toward a better version of self......
Wish me luck today
Love Rosie x
I wrote this through the night. A space of time where my words flow more freely.
For a week now I have had pain relief for my joints with quarter-zone. My joints have become pretty free and flexible. Particularly my shoulders. When I woke this morning I had my severity of shoulder pain back.
It's going to be a battle!!!
This aspect of me is not going to give up without a fight.